Call of Duty: Black Ops 6 Season 3 Delayed – Gamers Forced to Aimlessly Wander Outside
By Stack o Turtles’ Gaming Dept.
What has now become SOP for COD, Activision has announced a delay for Call of Duty: Black Ops 6, Season 3. This news has left gamers in crisis mode, forcing some to make eye contact with family members and still others to touch grass.
The highly anticipated update, which promises absolutely no fundamental changes to the game beyond a loot box system more predatory than a finfluencer with a day trading pump and dump scheme, has now been pushed back due to unspecified “technical issues.” This, of course, is corporate code for “we need more time to figure out how to squeeze an extra $20 out of you for a MAGA helmet skin.”
The Big Question: What’s Left to Surprise Us?
Back in February, Black Ops 6 dropped the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles into the game, and we at Stack o Turtles approved… because turtles. Now, beyond the addition of more cartoon characters, the question on everyone’s mind with Activision mysteriously postponement is: what else could they possibly add? Well, rest your worried mind shooter Stack o Turtles has the list!
Stack o Turtles 5 Most Likely COD New Features:
Mandatory Post-Battle Therapy Sessions: Since every match feels like an unpaid internship in the Military-Industrial Complex, players will now receive automated messages reminding them of the “Realities of War” followed by 1v1 shrink sesh for your “Traumatic Stressors.” Ironically, this will be immediately followed by a pop-up ad for the $39.99 “Ultimate War Criminal” skin pack.
Real-Time AI Monetization: The game will now analyze your K/D ratio and charge you microtransactions based on performance. Kills earn 50 cents each, but if you die more than five times in a row, you’ll be offered a “Gomer Pyle Bundle,” $29.99, which includes an aimbot, and a recorded voice message from your father saying, “I’m proud of you.” He is not.
Warzone: Amish Edition: No guns, no electronics, just a handcrafted musket and a firm handshake. You must churn butter for XP.
The Gulag: TikTok Collab Edition: Instead of a 1v1 gunfight for respawn, players must impress an influencer. Success is determined by your ability to execute a 360 no-scope while spilling the latest Taylor Swift tea. If you fail, you are permanently shadow banned from the lobby.
Battle Royale: Midlife Crises Edition: Halfway through the game you get served, she wants a divorce. Players must negotiate alimony payments and fight custody battles all while loosing half of your XP. Victory belongs to the player with the highest credit score once the settlement is finalized.
What’s Next for Activision?
While the delay of Season 3 is disappointing, insiders say Activision is busy refining its next big innovation: a Golden Girls crossover, where Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia parachute into Verdansk, armed with arthritis ointments, sass, and full-auto weaponry.
Stack o Turtles Prediction: By 2036, Call of Duty will have fully transformed into a 24/7 live-service dystopian hellscape, where gameplay consists solely of standing in digital checkout lines to purchase MREs and even more realistic gameplay, such as, waiting on hold with the VA for benefits you’ll never receive.
Stay tuned to Stack o Turtles, the only place where we take gaming journalism as seriously as Activision takes monetization.