New App Guarantees Perfect Trolling, Perfect Drama, and Absolute Popularity
By Stack o turtles’ Technology Dept.
The worst part about social media —aside from the constant surveillance, mental health epidemic, and incessant MLM pitches— is that it’s social. People are the problem. But what if they weren’t? Enter NullSpace, the first social media platform that fully automates your clout.
Designed for those who crave the dopamine rush of likes, follows and subscribes without the nuisance of actual human engagement. NullSpace uses secret State controlled technology to craft your online experience. Gone are the days of waiting for validation from real-life friends and family who just don’t “get” your content. Now, with the tap of a button, you can have an audience of thousands, all meticulously programmed by a foreign pseudo-capitalist/communist regime to adore you.
Your New AI Fanbase: More Loyal Than Your Actual Friends
NullSpace introduces a groundbreaking tech called, “Engagement Intelligence” (EI), ensuring that your “followers” behave exactly like a real adoring audience without the drudgery of delivery of meaningful content or slowly building legions of trusted fans.
You’ll receive:
EI Hype Beasts: Always ready to drop fire emojis under your selfies, even when you’re ring light is reflecting in your sunglass.
EI Simulated Haters: Just the right amount of trolling to make an influencer’s journey complete but programmed to be won over because you’re undeniable.
EI Thought Leaders: They’ll repost your content with just the right amount of pseudo-intellectual nonsense to make you feel like you’re starting a cult.
EI Bot Besties: Just signal with an emotive gaze and EI followers will reply with “You’re so brave ❤️” or “Stay strong bro 💪”
“I finally feel seen,” said NullSpace beta tester Jordan P., a self-described content creator with just over 14k EI followers. “I used to post my morning coffee shots and get totally ignored. Now, my followers flood my notifications with affirmations like ‘omg aesthetic’ and ‘you inspire me.’ It’s finally the recognition I deserve.”
No More Cancel Culture:
NullSpace Founder and CEO, Sum Fun said, “We are here to reverse the crises of confidence that we observe all over X, Facebook and Instagram. Once upon a time you could freely express your opinions. But we noticed folks are tired of stepping on digital landmines and getting ratioed into oblivion. So, NullSpace eliminates this risk entirely. Every EI follower is pre-programmed to eventually agree with you, ensuring you’re always the hero of your own narrative. A ‘problematic take’ is not a worry —your EI stans will gaslight any EI haters who try to call you out; and eventually win them over.”
To enhance the illusion of influence, NullSpace also offers Elite Mode, $9.99/mo., where your EI fans will not only interact with you but also “cancel” lesser EI accounts in a carefully orchestrated online feud, complete with EI-generated think pieces about why you’re the victim.
The Future of Social Media, or the End of Civilization?:
Some critics have suggested that a fully simulated social media experience might push humanity further into narcissistic delusion. Sum Fun disagrees, “At the end of the day, what do users really want? Validation. We’ve just removed the friction of dealing with people to get it.”
What's Next?
Silicon Valley is already taking notes. TikTok is expected to launch “EI Bots,” a premium feature where you can purchase EI friends for $.89/unit, profits are expected to sore. Meanwhile, Google is modifying it’s search engine to only show results which confirm your bias.
Stack o turtles Prediction: A NullSpace Influencer will experience an existential crisis on live stream after realizing it’s all an EI construct, prompting the first recorded case of synthetic parasocial heartbreak.
Stay tuned to Stack o turtles because soon our journalist will be EI, and they’ll write everything you want to read.