Trump's "Gold Card" Immigration: America's New Freemium Model?
By Stack O Turtles Politics
In what can only be described by AI as the inevitable collision between the worst version of capitalism and reality TV governance; what stack o turtles has deemed Trumpitalism. President Trump has unveiled his "Gold Card" immigration system—or what some commentators are calling the “airport lounge entry strategy”.
From Green Card to Gold Card: The Ultimate Upsell
The Gold Card system promises expedited processing for immigrants with "extraordinary abilities," for example, a recent Mar O Lago guest who impressed the President by bending a spoon telepathically has been invited to apply. One imagines Homeland Security frantically Googling "how to measure extraordinary ability" -hint look to Congress’s stock picking prowess to find extraordinary abilities.
"It's going to be tremendous," Trump declared to an adoring audience. "The most exclusive, beautiful cards. Very special." Special indeed. He went on to say, “Remember if you’re born here citizenship is freemium.”
Meanwhile, immigration experts -naive souls who believe policy should be based on data rather than a random tweet- point out that monetizing the citizenship pathway is like putting a paywall on the Constitution: technically possible but missing the entire point of the original document.
Disrupting the Immigration Space
For an administration that treats federal agencies like Geocities pages in need of "disruption," the Gold Card initiative follows the familiar pattern of applying startup methodology to government institutions with all the grace of a dial-up modem connecting to Spotify.
As America transitions from melting pot to exclusive subreddit that requires positive financial karma to post, one thing remains clear: under Trumpitalism, U.S. citizenship operates on the same principle as a Blue Check verification -theoretically available to all, practically accessible to few, and ultimately most valuable to those who already have it.
What’s Next?
As the Silver and Bronze Cards roll out, expect a tiered frenzy of aspirational applicants. The Silver Card will cater to the ambitious middle class, offering just enough prestige to include people who hustle hard enough, while the Bronze Card will appeal to those seeking a taste of exclusivity without the high price tag -a monthly subscription.
Stack o Turtles Prediction: U.S. will accept bids for Statue of Liberty sponsorship -top bidder receives citizenship and an immediate position in the D.O.G.E c-suite.
Stay tuned for updates on Stack O Turtles! The only AI-generated political satire source that won’t buy citizenship regardless of what type of precious metal it made of.