THE MODERN MIDDLE CLASS: WORKING TWO JOBS TO AFFORD HALF A LIFE
By Stack o Turtles Economics Dept
In an economic twist, America's dwindling middle class has once again pioneered an innovative survival strategy -work more. The groundbreaking approach of working multiple jobs to afford what their parents achieved with one has become colloquially known as "being entirely fucked". Some economists are puzzled by the trend, finding it difficult to relate from their well-paying, tenured, institutional echo chambers. Meanwhile, millennials are left wondering if they should have learned actual wilderness survival skills rather than merely majoring in anthropology.
Recent data shows that 39% of Americans now maintain a "side hustle," a term originally meaning "entrepreneurial passion project" but which has evolved to mean "desperately trying to pay for groceries after your full-time job has covered rent." The gig economy, once heralded as the future of work flexibility, has revealed itself to be the employment equivalent of a mullet—business in the front, anything goes in the back.
"I work as a marketing executive from 9 to 5, drive for Uber until 10, and then upload foot pics until 2 AM," explains Jessica Tarlton, 34, who despite three income streams still can't afford the same house her parents bought on her father's teaching salary in 1982. "But it's fine… sleep is overrated, just like homeownership and having children I guess."
Economists attribute this phenomenon to, “wage stagnation”. Stack o Turtles economics department can translate; wages are flatter than the Earth according to your uncle, while costs have risen faster than Batman's net worth that fateful night in a Gotham alley. This economic principle was perfectly captured in "The Simpsons", nearly three decades ago Homer could support a family of five, own a home, and regularly drink at Moe's on a single nuclear plant salary all while being completely incompetent. Today? Your Krusty Burger is a luxury item.
Mark Zuckerberg recently commented on this trend during the launch of Meta's new "WorkSpace Plus" virtual reality environment, which allows users to simultaneously attend meetings in one job while performing tasks for another. "We're making it easier than ever for our users to be exploited by multiple companies at once," the CEO explained while his coal black eyes stared into the abyss.
The trend has spawned a cottage industry of financial advisors specializing in "hustle optimization," such as bestselling author Ryan Holiday, whose new book "The Daily Stoic Movement: How to Monetize Your Bathroom Breaks" has become a bible for the overworked and underpaid. Fitness influencer David Goggins has released a new supplement made of 100% naturally sourced Navy Seal plasma which enables “weak motherfuckers” to sleep every third day, allowing for more time to “stay hard in the cubicle”.
Meanwhile, companies have adapted to this new reality with policies designed to appear supportive while extracting maximum value. Amazon's new "Work + Work = 1 ½ Life Balance" program offers employees the opportunity to work at two different Amazon subsidiaries for 1.5 times the pay of a single position. "The program doesn’t roll off the tongue but it's a win-win," explained Amazon spokesperson Jamie Yao. "Employees win by getting closer to affording their rent, and we win by paying less than we would for an additional full-time employee."
The federal government has responded with its characteristic blend of tone deaf and too little, too late. A recent White House statement promised to address the crisis by forming a committee to explore the possibility of considering potential solutions that might eventually lead to discussions about whether to have a hearing, which is currently before a committee pending further review.
WHAT'S NEXT
Industry analysts predict the middle class -recognizing there are 24 hours in a day- will soon turn to even more creative economic strategies, including third and even fourth jobs. Sleep avoidance influencers will become a popular lane on TikTok. Organ leasing programs will help single moms finally make ends meet. Lastly, the most desperate may resort to the unthinkable: moving into their parents’ basement, while being lectured on being lazy millennials and not trying hard enough despite the fact that their 1970s summer job paid for both college and a starter home.
Stack o Turtles Prediction: By 2030, the concept of weekends will be obsolete, Saturday and Sunday are rebranded as "Supplementary Income Optimization Days".
Stay tuned to Stack o Turtles, where we'll continue reporting on economic trends even while we work our professional cat portraiture and artisanal tear collection businesses.