EXPOSED! AG1 IN BED WITH BIG T.P. -BIG GREEN FROM REGULAR BROWNS
By Stack O Turtles Economic Research Dept.
In what can only be described as the most shocking financial exposé since the last one stack o turtles made up, our investigative team has unrolled the dirty secret behind your favorite podcasters' obsession with gut health: cold, hard cash. And toilet paper. Lots and lots of 2-ply.
For years, we've been bombarded with ads for AG1 – that mysterious green powder promising everything from improved digestion to the ability to finally commit to that Ayahuasca “journey”. "Just one scoop replaces 47 different supplements," your favorite podcast host assures you between discussing lost stone working techniques and the benefits of ice baths. But what they're not telling you is where all that "improved digestion" ultimately leads: their bank roll.
The Investigation
Our investigation into the financial holdings of the podcast elite has revealed a suspicious pattern of investment in companies like Charmin, Cottonelle, and other major players in what industry insiders call "Big T.P." The same voices encouraging you to "support your gut microbiome" are quietly supporting their retirement portfolios with massive stakes in bathroom tissue manufacturers.
"It's the perfect closed-loop economy," explained Dr. B. Flushing, economist and professor at The University of Chicago. "First, sell a supplement that 'improves digestion,' which is really just code for 'makes you poo more.' Then, wipe up profits from the increased T.P. demand. It's capitalism at its most resourceful – and most absurd."
As increasing evidence rolls in faster than a new AG1 customer runs. Financial documents reveal that a notable Podcast Host and gluten sympathizer has increased his Kimberly-Clark holdings by 420% just weeks before wading up a slick AG1 sponsorship deal.
Plunging Deeper:
Meanwhile, the AG1 formula has undergone several "improvements" in the past three years, each version mysteriously corresponding with a spike in toilet paper consumption across key podcast listener demographics from pseudo-intellectual conspirators to true-crime consumption zombies. Coincidence? We think not. We all know birds aren’t real but AG1 and big T.P.? Stack o turtles politely suggests you wake up sleepers.
When reached for comment, an AG1 spokesperson provided a statement that, much like their product, was difficult to swallow: "Any correlation between our supplement and increased toilet paper usage is purely coincidental. We're just trying to help people achieve optimal health through our proprietary blend of ingredients that we absolutely understand the function of."
As we continue to follow the money through this labyrinth of digestive intrigue, one thing remains clear: the next time your favorite podcast host tells you about their morning routine of meditation, journaling, and "one scoop of AG1 in water," remember they're not just selling you on better gut health – they're banking on the results.
What’s Next?
Naturally, the next phase of this deeply unsettling investigation involves infiltrating the annual "Tissue Titans" convention, while simultaneously launching a counter-podcast titled "The Porcelain Throne Truthers," where we'll dissect financial documents we’ve flushed out of the system. The Truth is Out There!
Stack o Turtles Prediction:
The impending "AG1 Flush-Gate" scandal will ultimately culminate in a limited-edition, celebrity-endorsed bidet that connects directly to your cryptocurrency wallet.
Stay tuned for updates on Stack O Turtles! Stay woke, stay regular, and maybe consider a bidet.